I normally don't reflect on how I acted throughout the past and stuff, but I felt that this needed to be addressed for myself. Its just to give me peace of mind and closure, plus the fact that there was someone that tried to understand my 'position' in life back in 2007 is incredible on how much it does impact my well being today. I mean...yes, this was during what may be considered an extinct era today, but in retrospect, I do have to give props to Mafioshi
for trying to help me and stuff. I don't know if he will read this, but if he does...thanks.
There once was a friend named...In light of recent events, I'd like to share a story...
The following is my account of things as I remeber them, so please forgive me if I miss a few details. Be prepared, this is not a short read.............................
His name, as I once knew it, was SakuraYoshi22.
He joined YoshiArt Forums as anyother member. He joined, posted stuff, and was just like any other member at the time.
Then he PM'd the admin of YAF, inquiring about Yoshiart.com's Galleries, and how he, an aspiring artist, could obtain one.
I explained to him the simple rules at the time. He needed to be a member for at least a month, and get to the rank of "Experienced Yoshi", equal to the amount of 100 posts. This was to show that he wanted to remain at YAF, at least to become an artist.
So, a month passed, he got the neccessary posts to be considered for a Gallery, which also comes with the Yellow member rank of "Yoshi Artist", a title given to the me
I do have an explanation as to why I did act the way I did...and why I was naive to see that he just wanted to help me and shit. I'd like to say that I was 'trapped in the closet' in a sense because of the mitigating circumstances of society back then. I know it is a weird context that I'm using...but my shamefulness from back then made me lash out towards people that I actually was closer to. I mean...like I said, this was 2007, and now it's 2014, but the experience that I went through could be categorized in thousands of pessimistic words/thoughts...though I'd like to say the biggest one on the list is that I wasn't true to me. If you need more info on that...here's the journal:
It Gets Better - My experience coming out as a gayHey everyone...I do not know if you have seen my twitter just now, but I did post three tweets addressing the recent bullying issues that teens and young adults have been facing Just a forewarning...this isn't going to be a journal for everyone as I will be explaining my experience and stuff. Hell I may even shed a tear or two xD;;
Ok so back in 2004 was when I first started questioning my feelings and how I was supposed to act a certain way to be accepted in society. It made me feel...different, retarded, stupid, and ashamed to even bare the thought that "I am a gay man". It all began with a friend of mine that I used to have. He came from Tennessee to Long Island...and he was the first crush that I ever had. Yes...I was aware that I was in love with him, but I was 14 at the time...I wanted to beat the living shit out of myself for even having to experience sexual tension between anyone. I would act flirtatious with this individual, yet put on this tough
As far as Mafioshi
goes and stuff...I do hope he is in a much better position of his life, and that he hasn't done anything drastic from having to administer such a strict site. If you had to ask me...I could've easily came off as being hungry for authority, but the truth of the matter is I wanted to be accepted so hard in a life that I was already accepted in...that I would've killed myself to feel happy. I still talk to GameFreak38
, and zip-the-fox
to this day. However...it does irk me (and saddens me a tad bit) that I could've possibly contributed to Mafioshi
I cannot say that I was sorry for being who I was back then, as it was apart of my growth. However, I can say I am sorry for treating Mafioshi
the way I did back then. We can't take back anything what we have done, as all we can do is move forward and progress further with our lives.
Last thing before I end this...I can answer the last question in the first journal:"If your present is this? Where does that put your future?"
To be honest, I wasn't expecting myself to live in the amount of chaos that I did prior to today. IF only I was able to understand that, maybe I wouldn't have overdosed on prescription meds back in 2010 and 2012. It just goes to show how naive I truly was, and yes, I could try to blame my older meds for that, but it was my outlook on life at the edge of my barriers. After reading that huge journal for the first time in many years...I can say that my future would've resulted in the debt of my life back in 2007 - 2012. However...now that it's 2014, I can say that I believe I can achieve greatness for my future, no matter what position I am in with my moodiness.
In the end, I do have to partially thank you for giving me a reality check back in 2007. I know that YAF didn't turn out to be a haven for anybody in the end, but to be fair...you and plenty of other people did make a tremendous effort to 'level' me, and that does make me happy. If you were to come back...I would formally thank you and we'd go about our lives.
"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream." -- Edgar Allan Poe